Kakurenbo
by silvercross
Summary: Playing hide and seek isn't as fun as some people think. Yaoi. YukixShuuichi/RyuuichixShuuichi. (ongoing)


Kakurenbo 

by silvercross

YukixShuuichi/RyuuichixShuuichi

Standard disclaimers apply.

----X_X----

"I love you."

Around them the wind blew fiercely, letting the sakura and a few stray leaves dance and swirl against some unknown beat.

The pink-haired vocalist stared in shock at the man before him. He couldn't believe it.

"S-Sakuma-san...." He started.

"I-I don't understand... why are you telling me this?" Shuuichi asked softly, almost like a whisper. His idol, his 'god' was before him, mumbling something he himself hadn't quite understood. Sakuma Ryuuichi... in-love? And with him no less.

Ryuuichi didn't answer immediately. He strode towards the nearby bench instead and sat on it, facing the cerulean sky above him. The wind blew in a hush, combing the waves of his dark, green hair. He let off a sigh and spoke.

"I don't know. But it just happened Shuuichi..." He paused, and turned to gaze at the innocent beauty before him, "...and I don't understand it myself. But what I said is true, what I 'feel' for you is true. Please believe me..."

The Nittle Grasper vocalist stood slowly and marched towards the younger man, his bluish-purple eyes held Shuuichi's in a steady gaze. His face depicted the seriousness of his tone, the childish countenance long forgotten. 

He started moving forward, bridging the remaining gap between him and Shuuichi, moving close enough to breathe the scent of the younger man he so longed to own... he so longed to touch...

But as he attempted to bring their lips together, Shuuichi turned away, but not too hastily, and gently pushed himself from the older man's grip.

The sakura continued to whirl around and move in a seemingly mocking, but graceful dance; contrary to the uneasy atmosphere. From a distance, a pink bunny lay abandoned on the ground, its dark, hollow eyes stared absently at the sky, and its tattoed lips curved into an ever permanent smile.

"B-But..." Shuuichi stammered, as he continued, ".. I'm... I'm sorry Sakuma-san, but... my heart belongs to someone else. I'm sure you know it now... I don't love anyone other than Yuki. Yuki... Yuki is...." uttered Shuuichi as he gripped the side of his clothing, his eyes glued on the ground beneath. "...I belong to Yuki." He finally finished.

The older man scoffed from where he stood. He let out a laugh, and spoke bitterly. 

"Hnf, Yuki Yuki Yuki... what does HE know about *love*?! How could you possibly love someone who doesn't even love himself?!" Ryuuichi spitted out roughly, his eyes blazing in contempt. 

The cherry blossoms continued to move, this time, in a slow rain, as they silently watched the spectacle before them. 

Shuuichi turned to him abruptly, amethyst eyes wide in disbelief. "S-Sakuma-sa--"

"--Tell me Shuuichi. What do you get from him? Besides sex of course, a few hasty kisses and some rare caresses, what?!"

The surprise turned into anger as Shuuichi mouthed a reply. "Y-You're wrong! Yuki is--"

"--Yuki is a selfish bastard." Ryuuichi finished for him, and continued, "He's devoid of any emotion akin to love. Lust maybe, but love? No. He doesn't understand that. And I seriously doubt you could make him."

There was a sudden flash and it took him a while before the pain registered in his mind. Shuuichi had slapped him hard on his cheeks, leaving a nasty, red mark. He turned to look at the figure before him, wincing inwardly at the pain he was in. It wasn't the slap that had hurt him most, but the internal stabbing he'd just received from the younger man.

"How DARE you?! What do you know, huh?! You don't know a thing about Yuki! You don't know a thing about US!"

Ryuuichi shook his head and answered with a smirk. "Oh, I KNOW enough. I know he treats you like dirt, and you 'let' him. Why? Because you're fucking crazy about that sadistic bastard!"

"You don't understa--"

"--You're the one who don't understand! For god's sake, just look at yourself! He's destroying you Shuuichi! You're gonna rot to the core just by being with him!"

Shuuichi locked his eyes on the man before him, his face grim with anger.

"I love Yuki. And that's enough. To you, to others, he may be a selfish bastard, but to me he isn't. He's not what you think he is. You don't have to concern yourself over us. I'll just love him, and will 'continue' to, for the both of us."

Ryuuichi laughed as he shook his head in disbelief. He turned to Shuuichi and spoke sarcastically. "Hah. I don't NEED to concern myself over you and him? I just fucking laid my heart at your feet and it doesn't CONCERN ME?! Let me get things straight here. I care about YOU. I love you. I don't give a shit about HIM. And since you insist there's a 'YOU and HIM', I have to include him in the picture. And since I just CONFESSED to you, I'm pretty much sure I AM involved." 

Shuuichi leveled his eyes with the older man's ones. He was trembling slightly, his hands clutching the edge of his shirt. He couldn't understand why Ryuuichi was being difficult. What surprised him more was the older man's current attitude. It's as if the man before him wasn't the Ryuuichi he knew. 

"But you don't have to be involved!" Shuuichi cried, his voice slightly hoarse from shouting. "We, Yuki and I, will be fine by ourselves! We don't need that crap from you and the others! Why couldn't you guys understand? I love Yuki and he loves me! If you don't understand that then just leave us alone!"

He stopped abruptly and covered his mouth with his hand. Shuuichi had been somewhat taken aback by the venom in his tone. He didn't mean to throw it like that to the man, but Ryuuichi had been inconsiderate. He knew it wasn't Ryuuichi's fault that he loved him, but the man had gone too far. He forced himself to calm down and approached Ryuuichi.

"Look, Sakuma-san," he started, "I didn't mean to say all those stuff but, I was just.. upset. I love Yuki and.. hearing those things you said.. bad-mouthing him in front of me.. I couldn't control myself. I don't want people saying awful stuff about him, just because it's what they see. Yuki... he's more than that. I know, not only because I saw.. but I've felt it. And I'm sure, that he feels something deeper for me.. deeper than lust or anything like that."

Ryuuichi had been silent all the while, and Shuuichi took it as an opportunity to continue.

"And.. I know.. deep inside of him, he wants to change. I know there's warmth beneath that cold, hard shell of his... warmth that only I could feel. I love him so much, that's why I couldn't leave him. I just couldn't..." 

It had been silent at first, as Shuuichi finished. Then surprisingly he heard... laughter? It was laughter all right.

Ryuuichi had been laughing. And it sounded more of a cackle as it grew louder.

Shuuichi stepped back slightly as Ryuuichi advanced towards him. He saw the predatory glint in the man's bluish-purple eyes. He didn't like it. He was scared.

The NG vocalist stopped laughing and spoke in a mocking tone. "Heh, it seems you didn't understand at all... I guess I'll have to make you then.." Ryuuichi mumbled as he knocked Shuuichi down on the ground. Shuuichi fell on his back, feeling hard pain pounding on his head like a hammer as Ryuuichi moved roughly on top of him. 

He felt trapped.

"Don't worry Shuu-chan. After I'm through with you, you won't even remember that damn novelist's name..." The man whispered at Shuuichi's ear as he cradled the younger man's body. 

Shuuichi screamed in panicked while he struggled to get off the man's tight hold. "S-Sakuma-san! Hanashite kure yo! Please!" 

The older man then turned to gaze at Shuuichi, studying him briefly. Then, almost instantly, he leaned and rubbed his forehead with Shuuichi's, his lips curved into a twisted smile.

"No." He finally said, smirking. 

All protest Shuuichi had been planning to let out had been muffled by the older man's kiss. It was a rough and possessive one, something Shuuichi didn't think Ryuuichi would give or would even know how to. He always thought the man was too genki to be able to kiss like that.

But it proved to be different from the way things were going. 

He felt the older man's hands exploring every part of his body -- touching... caressing... stroking until he couldn't bit back his moans anymore. His mind was screaming two different things -- from craving Ryuuichi's warmth and touch, to wanting the older man to stop.

The second thought proved to be victorious though.

Shuuichi pushed the man away and screamed.

----X_X----

Shuuichi woke up screaming, his hair and night clothes dampen from sweat. 

It had been the same dream, the same 'nightmare', that had been plaguing him on almost a daily basis. A month ago, Sakuma Ryuuichi had confessed his feelings for the younger man. Undoubtedly, Shuuichi had turned him down, stating his undying love and loyalty for the novelist, Yuki Eiri, as a reason. Ryuuichi wasn't seen anywhere or heard from after that. 

Of course, the incident hadn't been as sickening as his nightmares. Ryuuichi had been polite during his confession. He hadn't done anything off character or obscene during the whole ordeal. He respected Shuuichi enough to treat him with decency. He was Shuuichi's friend after all, besides being his idol. 

Other than him and Ryuuichi, no one knew about the 'meeting' though. Not even Hiro. He decided he would tell his bestfriend in due time. Hiro would surely understand, he thought. 

And most certainly not Yuki. Though Shuuichi knew Yuki would act unaffected by the whole thing, he knew deep inside the novelist would be bothered. After all, Sakuma Ryuuichi had been his idol and god for all he knew, and the novelist might think that it would be as easy as a snap of a spine to make his pink-haired baka fall in love with that retard of a singer.

After everything that had happened to them, Shuuichi most certainly wanted to gain all of Yuki's trust. He wanted the novelist to feel that he is worthy of Yuki's gold-laced trust, that he would never ever, in any way, betray him.

Besides, he had turned Ryuuichi down. Yuki is the one he loves and not Ryuuichi. And like he said, no one knew about the incident other than them. 

So keeping the secret was a good thing for him, he thought. And he couldn't deal with the gossips and rumors anymore. After the scandal with Aizawa, and the overwhelming (yet somehow terrifying) declaration of Yuki on air about them being lovers, he decided he wasn't going to engage in one _ever_. He'd had enough excitement already, and the most recent he had with Sakuma Ryuuichi wasn't exactly something he would advertise and share with a million people. 

The thought of his idol, his 'god' leaving so suddenly had left him with mixed emotions though. He didn't know if he was angry, sad, or happy. No, not happy. Certainly not. Perhaps... slightly regretful. He had loved the man for so many years; worshipped and idolized him for all he knew. He still does now, even if Nittle Grasper isn't as active as it was before. 

But the feelings he had for the Nittle Grasper vocalist were different from Yuki's. It was a love of a devoted fan for his idol. It was a love of a friend for his 'friend', though they had met later after Bad Luck made their entrance in the music industry.

And he missed him. He couldn't deny that one. Ryuuichi was as much a part of his life as Yuki, Bad Luck, his family, and the others who had continued to support him throughout the years. With Ryuuichi, he could be himself as much as he wanted to. Surprisingly, they seem to mirror each other, in appearance, in personality, and almost in everything. To Shuuichi, it felt like missing his own self.

Of course, the NG vocalist's disappearance wasn't a secret to the press. After Ryuuichi left without any word, the media started taking advantage of the situation. Almost every news station and program featured him. He was a cultural icon after all -- at least in the history of J-pop.

Shuuichi, deep in his thoughts, hadn't recognized the time. It was just three in the morning, and it was still hours away from work. Sighing heavily, he got up to get something to drink. He knew he wasn't going to get any sleep from there. Not after 'that'. 

After giving a quick scan at his surroundings, he frowned slightly. He wasn't in the apartment he and Yuki shared. He was in a hotel room, a lavish one even. He forgot.. he was on tour with Bad Luck for three weeks, almost a month.

It was their biggest break. After several tours outside the city and in different parts of the country, Bad Luck finally became an international band. They first appeared on several international music shows, then tv shows, and now touring outside Japan.

Just in Asia, though, but still overwhelming. He didn't know they could even get this far. Sure, he had dreams of becoming so popular and touring around the country, but outside? He definitely didn't expect that. They were really lucky. Most bands end up disbanded after selling out, perhaps, three to four albums. At first the songs would create an impact -- they were something new and fresh after all. Then after a few years or so everyone would get tired of hearing the same thing. They would start looking for newer ones, something fresher... something that 'fitted' the current trend. Teenagers would, most likely, look for the younger ones -- a band with members closer to their age. 

And it wasn't just something he assumed by himself. He saw it himself. During their highschool years, he and Hiro weren't the only Nittle Grasper fans. A large group in their class also shared the same adoration for the popular J-pop band, as well as half of the student body. But as years go by, the number of fans in their class became lesser and lesser. He and Hiro, on the other hand, remained loyal up to present.

Nittle Grasper's activities were on hold at the moment though. Sakuma Ryuuichi's disappearance had unabled them to do much, save for the release of their new CD which was completed before the vocalist left. Both Noriko and Touma had been affected deeply by his disappearance. They were his closest friends after all, besides being his bandmates. It affected them deeply more than anyone.

It wasn't a surprise when Ryuuichi had phoned the NG president a week after he left, telling his friend not to worry about him, that he was fine. Touma had insisted in finding his whereabouts though, but the NG vocalist stated that he needed privacy, some time to himself. He promised Touma he would come back in due time. 

Having no other choice, Touma agreed and canceled their activities temporarily. He decided to focus on Bad Luck until his friend and bandmate returns. 

So now, Bad Luck is on tour outside the country, in Hong Kong to be exact. They were really surprised that someone overseas actually liked their music. It made them feel special. 

Shuuichi shrugged the thoughts off and staggered towards the kitchen. Although it was hardly dark, he could still barely see his way through. His head hurt like hell, and his eyes were bleary from lack of sleep.

He needed a few drinks of water or so, to help him replenish his lost liquids due to sweat. Almost every night, it had been like this... he had been like this. Sweaty, gasping for air, and confused as hell.

Why Ryuuichi had been haunting him in his dreams, he didn't know. Maybe.. just maybe part of him had been feeling a little guilty. Guilty because, he knew, and had always known, that Sakuma Ryuuichi is a good person, worthy of love. He knew that and still couldn't give it to him. He couldn't love Ryuuichi the way the man wanted him too. 

Part of him had been screaming different though. Part of him acknowledges the fact that maybe, he 'did' love the man that 'way'. He always feel a different kind of happiness whenever he watch the man sing or when he's with him.

Sighing heavily, he finished his drink and walked back to the bedroom. He knew better than to let himself go to work exhausted. He carefully positioned himself on the bed and gradually closed his eyes. It seemed peaceful. He breathed deeply and tried to get some shut-eye.

----X_X----

"Na no na no na no da.... na no NA NO na NO DA... nyahahaha! Kumagorou, don't you just love taking a walk in the city?! Sugoi na no da... it's so colorful here! We're gonna stay here for a while, then we're off to Europe na no da! Eh? You don't know why? Nyahahaha! Kumagorou is funny! We're on vacation na no da! Kumagorou is forgetful!" Ryuuichi shrieked ecstatically as he pinched the pink bunny he was holding, earning him a few stares and whispers from some of the strangers passing by.

He continued to pinch and poke the slightly deformed toy until something caught his attention. He had passed by an appliance shop, and several television sets were displayed at the glass window. All were set at the same channel and featured the same thing. It was a commercial, a plug. It featured Bad Luck, about the band currently touring Hong Kong. 

He almost dropped Kumagorou as he gasped in shock. On each of them he saw a pink-haired boy singing with a booming, melodic voice,1) and moving gracefully against the beat of the song. Spicy Marmalade, he recognized. It was their music video playing. Only part of it though, as it was cut off shortly and a voice-over was heard, announcing the concert schedules.

He couldn't believe it. He left because he wanted to forget. He wanted to forget even for a while that he was rejected, by the one person that meant so much to him. 

And now, the current object of his affection is in the same place where he is. In Hong Kong.

How painfully ironic, he thought bitterly.

But despite his shock, and the ache he felt from his still fresh wound, he was happy. He wanted to see Shuuichi again, even if it would hurt him. 

He had told himself over and over, that if he truly loved Shuuichi, he would get over him, and just be happy for him. He just needed some time.

Apparently, it had only been a month since he left. It wasn't enough for him to heal completely. And it wasn't that easy to just forget.

He glanced wistfully at the sky and leaned his back against the glass window. The commercial was over but he decided to stay for a little while. 

Shuuichi. He does want to see him again. He loved seeing Shuuichi sing, as much as he loved singing with him.

A smile had formed on his lips as he held Kumagorou up and made the bunny face him. He chuckled softly and spoke.

"Kumagorou... you miss Shuu-chan too na? Let's watch him na no da! It'll be great! No no.. Shuu-chan doesn't have to know! We'll just watch him that's all!" The man declared happily. Then, almost too quickly, the smile disappeared.

The man had dropped his eyes on the ground, staring through it. "Yes... we'll just watch him.. that's all. We.. I won't do anything... I just want to see him again... 's all.. just watch him sing again... he wouldn't have to know... I.. I... no one has to know..." His words trailed off as he choked back a cry.

------------

tsuzuku...

------------

1) Eetoo... let's just say that the door was slightly open and Ryuu-chan could hear the plug on tv.

this fic's one of the reasons why i'm getting all cranky/grumpy these past few days. *glares at fic* i'm sorry minna, this isn't beta-ed so it probably sucks like hell. as for its uniqueness... i'm not a hundred percent sure. i haven't read every gravi fic on the planet and my dumb brain's been picking up lots of stuff lately. so feel free to point out any mistakes whatsoever. you can also consider this AU-ish or something (i dunno if the charas are OOC or not *shrugs*)

and i'm sorry if the plot isn't too visible yet. i will get to it, i promise. 

anyhoos, i don't know when i'll be able to post soon (i don't even know if i'll still continue with this). but i've spent some time writing this *ugh* fic *twitch*, and it would be a waste not to finish it. warui warui... .

please review even if you hated this. doumo.


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